I hate myself and i would like some advice. what can i do?

i hate myself and it really hurts a lot. like i'm punching myself in side though it feels like blades. reasons why. i screw up a lot on things, and i think i dwell in the past, plus i'm afraid of the future. like for instance, i'm always procrastinating and digging a hole that i can get out of, then i get mad at my self since its a horrible habit that crushing things important that i need to get done. then i want to change but i wont allow my self to for some reason ,maybe laziness or i cant shake it. so then i hate my self for two reasons. my father recently died and here i am crying over my petty problem for hating my self when i need to step up and help my mom bro and sis. how can i be the person help out as a man when i'm like this, then that's more hate. because of not confident i'm my self (since i can be a scatter brain happy go lucky person how doesn't pay attention or take responsibility), i'm scared of my future, what will i end up like, in a dump , then i feel like since i'm not going any were i'm not good for my girlfriend , that i will only drag her down with me . i make so many mistakes over and over again, and people believing in me and help me , and its just in vain. like now my mom is paying for my tuition at a community college, and i'm failing again , she could be spending her money on the house we're losing or the business shes barley keeping afloat because of our recent tragedies. i'm so wrong and dirty , I've haven't done anything wrong to a woman like that, but its horrible that i can't shake all of the wrong things i should not be thinking of or into.i don't hang out with my Friends enough and i fear losing them , its my fault for pushing everything so far back, then i have to catch up and i cant see them . i'm addicted to video games, anime, manga and basically porn . all of theses thing don't help me at all and can temp me to procrastinate . let me stop.i can go on about the things i hate i bout my self . yh just accept it. how can i accept All of these flaws that will get me no were. and people believe and depend on me? i feel like i should die , but i'm to scared to do it tho plus i don't want to do that to everyone . so i should not exist , but i'm attached to life. i'm truly a piece of work. i might as well accept whats ahead instead of quitting early. ha and this was supposed to be a help me, and i'm just bearing my soul like this. i feel Nihilism, but i want to save my happiness some way even if my life is crap, before my time runs out and i spend my life complaining, not enjoying . i have to say though , spilling this made me feel better. i don't want to burden my family, friends ,or girlfriend with this, so i ask you